I've been a little busy lately. It's February and although love is always present in my heart & on my mind, the month of February makes me think of love more intensely. I'm not sure why, but as time passes I tend to think of the things that have come to pass in my life...LOVE being no exception.
This last year has been particularly difficult & hard for me. I have amazing friends who are living very complicated and distressed lives, which ultimately affects me because I care about them. Unfaithful husbands, unkind & insensitive lovers & boyfriends, loveless marriages where passion is nonexistent. I have friends who are single and longing for love to find them and friends who have settled for a lot less than any human being deserves. I've lost count of the many conversations that have ended in tears on both our parts, the many times I've held them as they've cried or the times I've just leant them my ear. My friends are far more beautiful than I am, they're more intelligent, they're wordly & experienced, they have so much to offer and yet I somehow feel more fortunate than them. How is that possible? I'm just an average ordinary girl, I assure you.
So as I've tried to understand their situations ~ how they feel, why it's so difficult for them to see what I see, I've tried to put myself in their shoes and can't manage to do it. I'm a sensitive person, I'm compassionate, I care and love my friends deeply, so why can't I understand them. I really want to. I believe I've finally figured it out. You see I can't ever feel what they feel, because my heart has never been broken (I know that seems hard to believe but it's true), I've never been abused physically or emotionally, I've never been mistreated, lied to, taken advantage of, used, manipulated or been treated disrespectfully by any boy/man who claimed to care or love me...EVER!!!
Today, I discovered that I owe an immense debt of gratitude to four boys/men who have left indelible footprints on my soul. Although I can't possibly put the last 31 years (28 years of which I've shared with one man, my husband) of my romantic life experiences in writing, I was able to make a list with their most meaningful contributions.
LOVE IS...physical attraction, chemistry, passion, desire, understanding, putting someone else's needs & wants before your own, growing & learning together, misunderstandings explained, patience, kindness, respect, space, independence, acceptance, accolades & gentle reminders when you're wrong and so much more...
To the four of you...
1. For NEVER taking me for granted.
2. For ALWAYS showing & letting me know how much you cared & loved me.
3. For NEVER giving me cause to shed a single tear.
4. For choosing me at that particular time in our lives, when we both needed to grow & learn together and for helping me understand that all BLESSINGS in life are meant to be shared.
5. For obeying my parents rules ~ I know how awful & difficult they were to adhere to, but YOU did it!!!
6. For ALWAYS paying for me and my chaperones without any hesitation, because it was the only way we could spend time together.
7. For whispering all those beautiful & wonderful things in my ear. Your words of love were special, but the real connections were made non-verbally. Your lingering gaze, your smile and the gentle touch of your hand connected us in a magical ways.
8. For the presents, cards, flowers, chocolates, notes, long distance phone calls (to two of you), all the niceties and more importantly for your valuable time...you flattered me constantly, you helped build my confidence, for always reminding me you were/are the luckiest man in the world because you have me (all four of you had beautiful girls waiting in the wings, hoping you would lose interest in me or that you would mess up and I would inevitably have to send you on your way...yes I knew).
9. For allowing yourselves to be vulnerable with me (not an easy thing for anyone to do) and letting me into your hearts (where I've learned that I continue to remain).
10. For calling me back when I was careless & insensitive and hung up on you.
11. For teaching me to dance salsa & skate backwards.
12. For not pressuring me too much, for being patient with me, for allowing me to simply experience moments of laughter & tenderness, for giving me the complete freedom to be ME, for accepting me and NOT wanting to change ME and more importantly, for showing me & letting me know that I was more than sufficiently good enough and worthy of you, your time & heart.
13. For leaving my heart not just intact but fuller & more generous for having had known and experienced a moment in time with you.
14. For sharing intimacies with me (I don't mean physical intimacy, that's a no brainer anyone can accomplish that and sometimes with very little meaning or impact) but for allowing me to get to know you, your heart, your dreams, your hopes & your biggest desires. They're still safe with me.
15. And lastly, for handling me with "GREAT" care.
I SINCERELY THANK YOU...because of you, I'm not afraid to love, I'm not afraid to make mistakes, I'm not afraid to know the truth, I'm not afraid of being hurt or disappointed, I can love fully & completely without hesitation or holding anything back. You've allowed me to continue to believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters, I remain unscathed. I don't know any other woman who can say that and mean it...that's huge!!! I didn't realize it until today. It can't just be me, that would be impossible YOU are men of strong character, values & morals, you're generous with your spirit, kind and intelligent. YOU made me feel loved, truly free & happy. There were other people down the road whose lived you needed to touch and who needed to touch yours in order to take you to your destiny. And because I was the one who made the decision to let you go, I want to acknowledge you now. I see my life in pictures and you are all in my album. Some pictures are faded & fuzzy, others have shifted and some carry vivid images, you are all there in my history in my "mind pictures."
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
whose lives not lived oops, it's late & I'm a bit tired.
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