January 8, 2011

I spent the day cleaning & dancing!!! I can only clean if there's loud music playing that I can dance to or if I can hear Food Network in the background:) My daughter likes to go into my closet & drawers and try everything on. Today was one of those days. I found her on my bed with my necklaces, bracelets and a few rings on, while the rest of my jewelry was spread out on my bed. She moved to my closet. She's twelve, I let her play, as long as she puts everything back (she's good about putting it all back the way she found it). While she was in my closet, she discovered a box and in the box was a copy of Phantom of the Opera. I hadn't seen this book in over twenty years. It had been packed away. She read the inscription and came running to me and started taunting me, "I know a secret and I bet you'll never guess it." I guessed for a bit and came up empty handed. She finally came clean and asked me who C was. I asked her to let me see what she was holding behind her back. When she handed it over and I opened it. I didn't think of C (he was my boyfriend and had given me the book as a Valentine's present) but someone else. Someone I shared a three hour plane ride with a million years ago.


A MEMORY I'VE NEVER SHARED BEFORE: It was summertime, I wasn't able to book my regular flight into Newark. I had to book it into LaGuardia. I called my aunt to let her know & she said it was fine but that my cousin S would be the one who would pick me up. I talked one of the stewardesses into letting me move into first class. I just had to wait until everyone was seated. I lucked out there was one first class seat available & it was mine!!! It was a window seat!!! I got to the row and said, "excuse me, I need to get by." When the guy stood up he was tall, about 5'10" maybe even taller. As I walked by him, I could smell his cologne. He was wearing a suit, he looked sharp, he had dark brown hair & blue eyes. I said thank you as I walked by him and took my seat. He turned to me and introduced himself, I said hi again. "Your name," he asked. "Oh, I don't give men on airplanes my name." He laughed.

When the plane was taking off (my favorite part is the takeoff), I looked over at him and he looked terrified. I asked him if he was okay but he didn't answer. After a few minutes he looked over at me and said, "I should've gotten drunk before getting on." "Why would you want to be drunk to get on a plane?" "It's okay he said, I can get drunk now." I said, "listen it took a lot for me to get this seat, please don't spoil it by getting drunk! Besides if you got drunk you'd miss out on the best three hours of your life!" I was just trying to make light, I could tell he was really having a hard time (you know the phrase white knuckle flyer, yup that was him). He laughed again. When the stewardess came by he asked for a drink. I said. "ughhhh really, I guess I'll be reading then," and I pulled out Phantom of the Opera. He changed his drink order to coffee and asked if he could see the book. I handed it to him. He looked through it and stopped at the end, "your boyfriend has nice handwriting" he said as he read it. "Did he write this to you?"  He was shocked by what he read. I looked over and said, "no that's my handwriting, sometimes when I don't have my journal close by I'll write in whatever book I'm reading." "This is the most incredible passage I've ever read!!!" "I know...powerful words, you can feel his intensity. It was written in 1846 by Gustave Flaubert to his wife. "Who he said?" "He wrote Madam Bovary." "How old are you?" he asked. "I turned seventeen yesterday." He would later tell me he was twenty-six.

For the next few hours we talked about everything, he was polished, intelligent, funny & witty. He talked about his family & himself. I asked him about his watch (it was an old Rolex, it had to be an heirloom). I was right, he took it off to show me the inscription. It was engraved in cursive and read, "To my darling Richard, all my love 2/14/38." It belonged to his grandfather. I only disclosed superficial things my favorite books, movies, some hopes & dreams. I've always been afraid of flying he told me. Why? I asked. He went on to tell me about a reoccurring nightmare he often had. There's a plane, it crashes and he's trapped in the smoke & fire and can't get out. That's awful I tell him, is that why you need to drink? Yes he says. But what if you do crash I tell him. You wouldn't want to be drunk, you might not find your way out and you wouldn't be able to help anyone else. And if you're drunk how will you know to go to the white light. You have to be alert and ready to react in a situation like that. You're right he said, I never thought of it that way. We laughed. There's got to be more than this I tell him, can you imagine what a magnificent adventure is waiting in heaven!!! Do you really believe that he asked? YES of course I do I answered. We covered subjects far and wide in a short span.

As we were preparing to descend, he turned to me and in the sweetest voice said, "you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met and I want you to know that you've changed my life." I just smiled and said, "you're welcome." "I mean it he said, let me show you the city, let me sweep you off your feet. We can go to a show, pick one, bring your chaperone ~ heck you can bring your whole family if you want to." I thanked him and told him it was a very nice offer but I couldn't, I had a boyfriend. He said he didn't care and that I should break up with my boyfriend and my boyfriend would never need to know. He leaned in to kiss me. I gently moved away and said, "I'll know, I can't and remember I'm underage you could get arrested for what you were about to do." He was upset or embarrassed, I'm not sure which. He turned to me and said, "please, I think I've fallen in love with you." I just nodded no.

When we landed he stood up and handed me my carry on and let me go in front of him. As we walked through the terminal, he continued to ask me to go out with him. I stopped and let him know that my cousin S and his buddy J (J would become my husband) were waiting for me and if they saw me walk out with him, they would ask me a million questions. S would tell my mom, who would then tell my dad and then my summer would be ruined. He pulled out his business card and wrote his home number and address on the back. Take this he said, you can call me anytime, you can come to me or I'll come to you. I took his card and let him know not to expect my call because I wouldn't be calling him. I don't call men (well, I did but only once). I looked at his card and read the address. "You work at the World Trade Center? I didn't think you could possibly impress me anymore than you already had, I was wrong." I put his card in my pocket. As we were getting close to the gate he asked, "is that your cousin?" "Yes that's him." "And the guy next to him would be the boyfriend?" I said, "no, he's interested but I'm not." "Please stop here and let me go ahead of you," I pleaded with him. He stopped and let me go. I got to my cousin and gave him a hug and said hi to J. J said, "there's a guy in suit that's trying to get your attention." I turned around and he was standing there with his hands opened to his sides and he yelled, "c'mon, you're just gonna walk away just like that, I need you!" I assured my cousin and J that he wasn't yelling to me, he was yelling to the blonde that was walking beside me. They believed me.

His card was burning a hole in my pocket. I considered his offer for a split second and decided it would be impossible. My dad had given me such a hard time about the last American guy I had dated. This guy was much older, my dad would've had a heart attack. So I pulled his card out of my pocket and with a simple twist of my wrist, I threw his card away and walked out into the hot summer night. I never thought about him again until September 11th and today.

I like the rest of the world watched in horror as the images of the first tower appeared on my screen and then watched as the second tower was hit. I was talking to my aunt and told her I had to go. When the second tower was hit, his face appeared out of nowhere. I sat down, closed my eyes and began to pray.

God please help the people that need to get out and for the people who will be meeting you today, please help them accept their fate, let them find peace and help them not be afraid. My heart suddenly felt like it was being squeezed. I closed my eyes tighter and said to E ~ breathe ~ I know it's chaotic where you are, search your memory I'm there, it's me the seventeen year old girl you shared your dream with ~ I'm here listen to my voice. Help as many people as you can and then save yourself. If you're trapped and you can't get out, don't be afraid. 

I'd like to think that if he was indeed in the city on September 11th and inside one of the buildings, he was one of the heros who was able to help people get out. I've never seen him again.

This is the passage I hand wrote in my book. The one he read that day on the plane, no one else has read it. Your heart will shift, you'll feel the intensity of the words. If you've experienced anything like it, you'll feel wonderful and if you haven't you'll feel like you're missing out on something grand. Not everyone is this lucky.

"I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint & die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports. When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them." ~ Gustave Flaubert letter to Louise Colet 15 August 1846

No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)