I had a dream...the beginning is magical but the ending is horrific. I recognized the dream, as soon as I opened my eyes. It's a reoccurring dream I use to have when I was a little girl. I must've somehow blocked it from my memory bank until last night. The reason my dream decided it was time for a visit once again, must've been courtesy of my cousin E.
In order for you to understand my dream, there are things you should know. I believe all human beings are made up of energy, our bodies are merely our addresses here on earth. We posses souls and everything that a soul must encompass in order to work and be viable. I have always had the ability to absorb enormous amounts of energy positive and negative. This is not something I set out to do or even know how to do, that's just the way it is. When I am with people either physically or in communication with them, the feelings you receive from me are the result of the energy I've absorbed, which I am then able to reflect back to you. If you like what you get from me, congratulations you are happy with what the mirror is reflecting. However, if you don't ~ you better get to work, so that your reflection has an opportunity to grow and evolve and ultimately improve.
With that being said, you should also know that I can honestly say that I do not have the ability to judge people. I decided a long time ago, that people who spend their time judging others have no time to love. As for me, I'd rather love:) I am and always have been an observer, I see things most people miss. Now just because I refuse to judge people doesn't mean I don't see motives & intentions...I do, very clearly. I just choose not to allow anything toxic into my life that's all.
My cousin E is by all accounts one of the most incredible persons I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I remember the first time I met him. My father supported his family in Spain. They left Cuba through Spain because they weren't allowed to come directly into the states. He and his sister, my cousin N were sent to live with us for a couple of months before my uncle & my aunt came to the states. I was excited to meet them both, I had only seen them in pictures. My cousins and I were together as children but I left Cuba when I was one, I didn't remember them. I loved him instantly, from the moment I saw him and the nice thing is that is was mutual. You can know someone your whole life and your souls may barely touch. And then there are those rare and monumentous occasions, when you meet someone and your souls touch and connect. You are elevated just by their presence and you know in that instant that the bond is forever, regardless of the things that may separate you in life.
On New Year's Day, I was visiting my cousin E and his family. His youngest son J is my godson. It was a gorgeous day for a visit, we stood outside waiting for his wife and the kids to come home from a birthday party. He's a storyteller too, he's actually better at it than I am:) I'm not sure how the conversation began (I was looking at a tree across the street, an oak tree that was odd & interesting). He was telling my husband and my kids a story and as he was telling it, he kept looking over at me and asking me, "don't you remember?" I would say no, "I can't remember but keep going maybe something will click."
HIS STORY: One Saturday morning my uncle, your mom's dad (my father) had planned a day outdoors. He was a hunter who loved nature and everything that had to do with being outside. We packed the pickup (I've always loved packing food & going on picnics, ever since I can remember) and we were off. We came to an open field already full of other hunters who were preparing their guns to shoot something. My uncle then tells us we were going to hunt pigeons. I stopped him there, pigeons are you sure? I remember hunting for a lot of things but never pigeons. He assured me it was pigeons. All the hunters stood in a straight line on the open field with their guns ready and waiting. My uncle turned back to us and said, "pay attention." Out of nowhere a ton of pigeons flew into the field. Then all you could hear where guns shooting and shells falling to the ground and some even on us. When the shooting had subsided it was time to retrieve the pigeons. He got one for sure maybe two. He yells at us to go, so your mom and I take off. He looks over at me, "nothing yet?" "Nope, nothing I don't remember this day at all."
We ran in the direction my uncle had pointed to find the pigeon. We were in the woods looking down to see if we could spot the pigeon. Your mom found it and she started crying hysterically (he then proceeded to put his hands on his head & over his heart and make you know, ugly crying faces) she starts saying things like, "it's not dead, it's suffering!" And sure enough when I looked at it, it was twitching and convulsing. I felt terrible:( Your mom screamed, "don't touch it, leave it, let it die in peace, what a cruel way to die!!!" Needless to say she was so upset, I decided to leave it where it fell. As we were walking back towards my uncle, your mom turns to me and says, "just tell him we couldn't find it, that we looked and he must've missed the shot." I agreed, then she said, "you can't tell anyone." And we never did until right now. My uncle kept hunting but your mom was done, she just sat in the back of the truck and read a book. He killed twelve more pigeons that day. We got home to my grandmother's house and she made a rice with the pigeon's breasts. We all sat around the table and when she uncovered the pot (that's when it hit me and the memory of that awful day came rushing back) it smelled delicious and inside, mixed in with the rice were these little tiny bird breasts (he held his fingers like two inched apart). Your mom & I didn't eat that day.
I REMEMBER I TELL HIM!!! His wife and the kids pulled into the driveway and we went inside and continued to have a wonderful visit. We exchanged our Christmas presents and we talked about all sorts of things and I got to sit on the floor and play with J. It was a really nice visit. His wife pulled out family albums (another one of my favorite pastimes, looking at albums). His home is cozy, comfortable, warm & inviting. We said our goodbyes and drove home, which brings me to last night.
My day was complicated, I had lots to do. I made a yummy breakfast, everybody clapped when they were finished. They like to tease me like that. Sometimes I get standing ovations for my cooking lol!!! I went to bed around midnight. As soon as, my head hit the pillow I was out.
MY DREAM: I'm a bird (and yes you guessed it, I'm a pigeon). I can fly anywhere I want. I fly over rivers, oceans, cities and little farms. My dream is so vivid I can feel the wind on my face and beneath me (an amazing feeling), I can hear my wings flapping and all the sounds around me, cars, children, other animals ~ everything!!! I'm basking in the sun, I feel the heat, I can smell the trees and flowers and I'm enjoying my flight to the fullest. Then I come upon an open field, I recognize the field and stop in mid flight.
All of a sudden images flood my brain. I hear gunshots. I feel a tremendous sharp pain in my chest. I can't breathe. I feel weak like the life is being drained out of me. I feel something wet & warm running down my chest. I try to stay in the air but I can't, the harder I fight to stay up the more difficult it gets to breath and the faster my heart beats. My wings start to feel heavy. I start to spin out of control and very fast. The ground breaks my fall. I can see the sky and the trees but slowly the image starts fading. I see two children ~ it's me (at age 12 and my cousin E). The twelve year old me says, "oh no, poor bird you've been shot! Don't you know by now that you shouldn't fly into this field? Surely you must, we've done this so many times before. You're smarter now, you can avoid the things that hurt you. PLEASE, don't fly here again!!!"
I open my eyes (in my dream) and I'm in mid flight still. I see the field! Only this time I see the hunters waiting. I see the young me looking up and I now, I know that I have to fly far enough to be out of the hunter's range. I fly around the field, I avoid the hunters and when I look back at the young girl on the ground, she's smiling and without having to say a word, we know ~ I DID IT!!! For the FIRST time ever, I have the ability to continue to fly in my dreams and in life while avoiding the hunters (toxins)!!! I can soar even higher NOW:)
For each of us is created to die, and within me I know, I was born to fly! (This I know from memory & it's not my original thought. I just don't know who should get the credit).
No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
January 8, 2011
I spent the day cleaning & dancing!!! I can only clean if there's loud music playing that I can dance to or if I can hear Food Network in the background:) My daughter likes to go into my closet & drawers and try everything on. Today was one of those days. I found her on my bed with my necklaces, bracelets and a few rings on, while the rest of my jewelry was spread out on my bed. She moved to my closet. She's twelve, I let her play, as long as she puts everything back (she's good about putting it all back the way she found it). While she was in my closet, she discovered a box and in the box was a copy of Phantom of the Opera. I hadn't seen this book in over twenty years. It had been packed away. She read the inscription and came running to me and started taunting me, "I know a secret and I bet you'll never guess it." I guessed for a bit and came up empty handed. She finally came clean and asked me who C was. I asked her to let me see what she was holding behind her back. When she handed it over and I opened it. I didn't think of C (he was my boyfriend and had given me the book as a Valentine's present) but someone else. Someone I shared a three hour plane ride with a million years ago.
A MEMORY I'VE NEVER SHARED BEFORE: It was summertime, I wasn't able to book my regular flight into Newark. I had to book it into LaGuardia. I called my aunt to let her know & she said it was fine but that my cousin S would be the one who would pick me up. I talked one of the stewardesses into letting me move into first class. I just had to wait until everyone was seated. I lucked out there was one first class seat available & it was mine!!! It was a window seat!!! I got to the row and said, "excuse me, I need to get by." When the guy stood up he was tall, about 5'10" maybe even taller. As I walked by him, I could smell his cologne. He was wearing a suit, he looked sharp, he had dark brown hair & blue eyes. I said thank you as I walked by him and took my seat. He turned to me and introduced himself, I said hi again. "Your name," he asked. "Oh, I don't give men on airplanes my name." He laughed.
When the plane was taking off (my favorite part is the takeoff), I looked over at him and he looked terrified. I asked him if he was okay but he didn't answer. After a few minutes he looked over at me and said, "I should've gotten drunk before getting on." "Why would you want to be drunk to get on a plane?" "It's okay he said, I can get drunk now." I said, "listen it took a lot for me to get this seat, please don't spoil it by getting drunk! Besides if you got drunk you'd miss out on the best three hours of your life!" I was just trying to make light, I could tell he was really having a hard time (you know the phrase white knuckle flyer, yup that was him). He laughed again. When the stewardess came by he asked for a drink. I said. "ughhhh really, I guess I'll be reading then," and I pulled out Phantom of the Opera. He changed his drink order to coffee and asked if he could see the book. I handed it to him. He looked through it and stopped at the end, "your boyfriend has nice handwriting" he said as he read it. "Did he write this to you?" He was shocked by what he read. I looked over and said, "no that's my handwriting, sometimes when I don't have my journal close by I'll write in whatever book I'm reading." "This is the most incredible passage I've ever read!!!" "I know...powerful words, you can feel his intensity. It was written in 1846 by Gustave Flaubert to his wife. "Who he said?" "He wrote Madam Bovary." "How old are you?" he asked. "I turned seventeen yesterday." He would later tell me he was twenty-six.
For the next few hours we talked about everything, he was polished, intelligent, funny & witty. He talked about his family & himself. I asked him about his watch (it was an old Rolex, it had to be an heirloom). I was right, he took it off to show me the inscription. It was engraved in cursive and read, "To my darling Richard, all my love 2/14/38." It belonged to his grandfather. I only disclosed superficial things my favorite books, movies, some hopes & dreams. I've always been afraid of flying he told me. Why? I asked. He went on to tell me about a reoccurring nightmare he often had. There's a plane, it crashes and he's trapped in the smoke & fire and can't get out. That's awful I tell him, is that why you need to drink? Yes he says. But what if you do crash I tell him. You wouldn't want to be drunk, you might not find your way out and you wouldn't be able to help anyone else. And if you're drunk how will you know to go to the white light. You have to be alert and ready to react in a situation like that. You're right he said, I never thought of it that way. We laughed. There's got to be more than this I tell him, can you imagine what a magnificent adventure is waiting in heaven!!! Do you really believe that he asked? YES of course I do I answered. We covered subjects far and wide in a short span.
As we were preparing to descend, he turned to me and in the sweetest voice said, "you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met and I want you to know that you've changed my life." I just smiled and said, "you're welcome." "I mean it he said, let me show you the city, let me sweep you off your feet. We can go to a show, pick one, bring your chaperone ~ heck you can bring your whole family if you want to." I thanked him and told him it was a very nice offer but I couldn't, I had a boyfriend. He said he didn't care and that I should break up with my boyfriend and my boyfriend would never need to know. He leaned in to kiss me. I gently moved away and said, "I'll know, I can't and remember I'm underage you could get arrested for what you were about to do." He was upset or embarrassed, I'm not sure which. He turned to me and said, "please, I think I've fallen in love with you." I just nodded no.
When we landed he stood up and handed me my carry on and let me go in front of him. As we walked through the terminal, he continued to ask me to go out with him. I stopped and let him know that my cousin S and his buddy J (J would become my husband) were waiting for me and if they saw me walk out with him, they would ask me a million questions. S would tell my mom, who would then tell my dad and then my summer would be ruined. He pulled out his business card and wrote his home number and address on the back. Take this he said, you can call me anytime, you can come to me or I'll come to you. I took his card and let him know not to expect my call because I wouldn't be calling him. I don't call men (well, I did but only once). I looked at his card and read the address. "You work at the World Trade Center? I didn't think you could possibly impress me anymore than you already had, I was wrong." I put his card in my pocket. As we were getting close to the gate he asked, "is that your cousin?" "Yes that's him." "And the guy next to him would be the boyfriend?" I said, "no, he's interested but I'm not." "Please stop here and let me go ahead of you," I pleaded with him. He stopped and let me go. I got to my cousin and gave him a hug and said hi to J. J said, "there's a guy in suit that's trying to get your attention." I turned around and he was standing there with his hands opened to his sides and he yelled, "c'mon, you're just gonna walk away just like that, I need you!" I assured my cousin and J that he wasn't yelling to me, he was yelling to the blonde that was walking beside me. They believed me.
His card was burning a hole in my pocket. I considered his offer for a split second and decided it would be impossible. My dad had given me such a hard time about the last American guy I had dated. This guy was much older, my dad would've had a heart attack. So I pulled his card out of my pocket and with a simple twist of my wrist, I threw his card away and walked out into the hot summer night. I never thought about him again until September 11th and today.
I like the rest of the world watched in horror as the images of the first tower appeared on my screen and then watched as the second tower was hit. I was talking to my aunt and told her I had to go. When the second tower was hit, his face appeared out of nowhere. I sat down, closed my eyes and began to pray.
God please help the people that need to get out and for the people who will be meeting you today, please help them accept their fate, let them find peace and help them not be afraid. My heart suddenly felt like it was being squeezed. I closed my eyes tighter and said to E ~ breathe ~ I know it's chaotic where you are, search your memory I'm there, it's me the seventeen year old girl you shared your dream with ~ I'm here listen to my voice. Help as many people as you can and then save yourself. If you're trapped and you can't get out, don't be afraid.
I'd like to think that if he was indeed in the city on September 11th and inside one of the buildings, he was one of the heros who was able to help people get out. I've never seen him again.
This is the passage I hand wrote in my book. The one he read that day on the plane, no one else has read it. Your heart will shift, you'll feel the intensity of the words. If you've experienced anything like it, you'll feel wonderful and if you haven't you'll feel like you're missing out on something grand. Not everyone is this lucky.
"I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint & die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports. When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them." ~ Gustave Flaubert letter to Louise Colet 15 August 1846
No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)
A MEMORY I'VE NEVER SHARED BEFORE: It was summertime, I wasn't able to book my regular flight into Newark. I had to book it into LaGuardia. I called my aunt to let her know & she said it was fine but that my cousin S would be the one who would pick me up. I talked one of the stewardesses into letting me move into first class. I just had to wait until everyone was seated. I lucked out there was one first class seat available & it was mine!!! It was a window seat!!! I got to the row and said, "excuse me, I need to get by." When the guy stood up he was tall, about 5'10" maybe even taller. As I walked by him, I could smell his cologne. He was wearing a suit, he looked sharp, he had dark brown hair & blue eyes. I said thank you as I walked by him and took my seat. He turned to me and introduced himself, I said hi again. "Your name," he asked. "Oh, I don't give men on airplanes my name." He laughed.
When the plane was taking off (my favorite part is the takeoff), I looked over at him and he looked terrified. I asked him if he was okay but he didn't answer. After a few minutes he looked over at me and said, "I should've gotten drunk before getting on." "Why would you want to be drunk to get on a plane?" "It's okay he said, I can get drunk now." I said, "listen it took a lot for me to get this seat, please don't spoil it by getting drunk! Besides if you got drunk you'd miss out on the best three hours of your life!" I was just trying to make light, I could tell he was really having a hard time (you know the phrase white knuckle flyer, yup that was him). He laughed again. When the stewardess came by he asked for a drink. I said. "ughhhh really, I guess I'll be reading then," and I pulled out Phantom of the Opera. He changed his drink order to coffee and asked if he could see the book. I handed it to him. He looked through it and stopped at the end, "your boyfriend has nice handwriting" he said as he read it. "Did he write this to you?" He was shocked by what he read. I looked over and said, "no that's my handwriting, sometimes when I don't have my journal close by I'll write in whatever book I'm reading." "This is the most incredible passage I've ever read!!!" "I know...powerful words, you can feel his intensity. It was written in 1846 by Gustave Flaubert to his wife. "Who he said?" "He wrote Madam Bovary." "How old are you?" he asked. "I turned seventeen yesterday." He would later tell me he was twenty-six.
For the next few hours we talked about everything, he was polished, intelligent, funny & witty. He talked about his family & himself. I asked him about his watch (it was an old Rolex, it had to be an heirloom). I was right, he took it off to show me the inscription. It was engraved in cursive and read, "To my darling Richard, all my love 2/14/38." It belonged to his grandfather. I only disclosed superficial things my favorite books, movies, some hopes & dreams. I've always been afraid of flying he told me. Why? I asked. He went on to tell me about a reoccurring nightmare he often had. There's a plane, it crashes and he's trapped in the smoke & fire and can't get out. That's awful I tell him, is that why you need to drink? Yes he says. But what if you do crash I tell him. You wouldn't want to be drunk, you might not find your way out and you wouldn't be able to help anyone else. And if you're drunk how will you know to go to the white light. You have to be alert and ready to react in a situation like that. You're right he said, I never thought of it that way. We laughed. There's got to be more than this I tell him, can you imagine what a magnificent adventure is waiting in heaven!!! Do you really believe that he asked? YES of course I do I answered. We covered subjects far and wide in a short span.
As we were preparing to descend, he turned to me and in the sweetest voice said, "you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met and I want you to know that you've changed my life." I just smiled and said, "you're welcome." "I mean it he said, let me show you the city, let me sweep you off your feet. We can go to a show, pick one, bring your chaperone ~ heck you can bring your whole family if you want to." I thanked him and told him it was a very nice offer but I couldn't, I had a boyfriend. He said he didn't care and that I should break up with my boyfriend and my boyfriend would never need to know. He leaned in to kiss me. I gently moved away and said, "I'll know, I can't and remember I'm underage you could get arrested for what you were about to do." He was upset or embarrassed, I'm not sure which. He turned to me and said, "please, I think I've fallen in love with you." I just nodded no.
When we landed he stood up and handed me my carry on and let me go in front of him. As we walked through the terminal, he continued to ask me to go out with him. I stopped and let him know that my cousin S and his buddy J (J would become my husband) were waiting for me and if they saw me walk out with him, they would ask me a million questions. S would tell my mom, who would then tell my dad and then my summer would be ruined. He pulled out his business card and wrote his home number and address on the back. Take this he said, you can call me anytime, you can come to me or I'll come to you. I took his card and let him know not to expect my call because I wouldn't be calling him. I don't call men (well, I did but only once). I looked at his card and read the address. "You work at the World Trade Center? I didn't think you could possibly impress me anymore than you already had, I was wrong." I put his card in my pocket. As we were getting close to the gate he asked, "is that your cousin?" "Yes that's him." "And the guy next to him would be the boyfriend?" I said, "no, he's interested but I'm not." "Please stop here and let me go ahead of you," I pleaded with him. He stopped and let me go. I got to my cousin and gave him a hug and said hi to J. J said, "there's a guy in suit that's trying to get your attention." I turned around and he was standing there with his hands opened to his sides and he yelled, "c'mon, you're just gonna walk away just like that, I need you!" I assured my cousin and J that he wasn't yelling to me, he was yelling to the blonde that was walking beside me. They believed me.
His card was burning a hole in my pocket. I considered his offer for a split second and decided it would be impossible. My dad had given me such a hard time about the last American guy I had dated. This guy was much older, my dad would've had a heart attack. So I pulled his card out of my pocket and with a simple twist of my wrist, I threw his card away and walked out into the hot summer night. I never thought about him again until September 11th and today.
I like the rest of the world watched in horror as the images of the first tower appeared on my screen and then watched as the second tower was hit. I was talking to my aunt and told her I had to go. When the second tower was hit, his face appeared out of nowhere. I sat down, closed my eyes and began to pray.
God please help the people that need to get out and for the people who will be meeting you today, please help them accept their fate, let them find peace and help them not be afraid. My heart suddenly felt like it was being squeezed. I closed my eyes tighter and said to E ~ breathe ~ I know it's chaotic where you are, search your memory I'm there, it's me the seventeen year old girl you shared your dream with ~ I'm here listen to my voice. Help as many people as you can and then save yourself. If you're trapped and you can't get out, don't be afraid.
I'd like to think that if he was indeed in the city on September 11th and inside one of the buildings, he was one of the heros who was able to help people get out. I've never seen him again.
This is the passage I hand wrote in my book. The one he read that day on the plane, no one else has read it. Your heart will shift, you'll feel the intensity of the words. If you've experienced anything like it, you'll feel wonderful and if you haven't you'll feel like you're missing out on something grand. Not everyone is this lucky.
"I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint & die. I want you to be amazed by me, and to confess to yourself that you had never even dreamed of such transports. When you are old, I want you to recall those few hours, I want your dry bones to quiver with joy when you think of them." ~ Gustave Flaubert letter to Louise Colet 15 August 1846
No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)
Friday, January 7, 2011
January 7, 2011
A blog huh... I haven't read one and my only exposure to a blog was when I watched Julie & Julia. It was cute, I liked it, no big surprise since I love everything about food. I've been coaxed by a very charming and handsome Jersey boy who thinks this is a good idea and some friends who love me. There's no purpose behind this blog, no expectations, just a journal basically, a place to write (something I enjoy).
Apparently, I see the world a little differently than most people do (a difficult concept for me to grasp, which I believe I'm beginning to understand). I live in a gorgeous town full of fascinating people and although I truly do love it here ~ there are times when my heart seems to travel north to another place I love, full of memories and equally fascinating people.
I'm the kind of girl who actually listens to her heart. My head has a say certainly, but I often disregard it when it doesn't correspond with what my heart is whispering. So here goes ~ come along with me on my journey, as I continue to listen to my heart. Guide me well heart, there will be more people listening and watching to see how we do. Did you hear me?
TODAY: I had lemon lavender tea and yes it smelled as wonderfully as you would imagine it would. The charming handsome Jersey boy joined me. He looked completely out of place, big and bulky in the dainty chair surrounded by flowers & chandeliers. Boy he must really want something, the only time he's had tea with me is when we were traveling because no one would see him...God forbid lol!!! Picture a bull in a china cabinet, got it (that's what he looked like). He wanted me to start a blog and yes he's that handsome and that persuasive...I'm here aren't I:)
I received the cutest snow angel from a little girl with tight brown curls and eyelashes that go on forever. I built a snowman with a big fat neck, so fat my friend M's scarf barely fit around it!!! I walked through a snow covered park, the same park I use to walk with my dad when I was little. We would feed the ducks and he would whistle to me. All courtesy of my friend M, thank you M.
No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)
Apparently, I see the world a little differently than most people do (a difficult concept for me to grasp, which I believe I'm beginning to understand). I live in a gorgeous town full of fascinating people and although I truly do love it here ~ there are times when my heart seems to travel north to another place I love, full of memories and equally fascinating people.
I'm the kind of girl who actually listens to her heart. My head has a say certainly, but I often disregard it when it doesn't correspond with what my heart is whispering. So here goes ~ come along with me on my journey, as I continue to listen to my heart. Guide me well heart, there will be more people listening and watching to see how we do. Did you hear me?
TODAY: I had lemon lavender tea and yes it smelled as wonderfully as you would imagine it would. The charming handsome Jersey boy joined me. He looked completely out of place, big and bulky in the dainty chair surrounded by flowers & chandeliers. Boy he must really want something, the only time he's had tea with me is when we were traveling because no one would see him...God forbid lol!!! Picture a bull in a china cabinet, got it (that's what he looked like). He wanted me to start a blog and yes he's that handsome and that persuasive...I'm here aren't I:)
I received the cutest snow angel from a little girl with tight brown curls and eyelashes that go on forever. I built a snowman with a big fat neck, so fat my friend M's scarf barely fit around it!!! I walked through a snow covered park, the same park I use to walk with my dad when I was little. We would feed the ducks and he would whistle to me. All courtesy of my friend M, thank you M.
No matter what happens tomorrow, look for something good:)
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